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Wow, it really has been a while.
Oopsies for not updating this thing. :X
Uhh,
Rundown of the past two months:
1.Humidity and rain,
2.Sleep,
3.Hanging with the Biff's,
4.Eating,
5.Video-games,
6.HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE.
7.Etc. :3
1-Fucking wish it would stay sunny and cool for more than twelve hours, kthx.
2-Like fifteen hours a night, probably the best thing ever.
3-Yay for HP Parties and sleepovers!
4-So many noms in one tummy. ;__;
(Ahahaha, I've actually lost five pounds since April!
That's really not a good thing, I wish that I lost more, but I'm happy about it. <3)
5-Still playing Persona. Pretty close to beating it though, and then it's onto P4 and Okami! :D
6-Saw that epic shit three times. It might actually be my favorite of the movies so far. C=
(And totally not just because of how hot Tom Felton is and how much he is in this movie.)
7-There's a bunch more stuff, but I's lazy. :]
Uhh,
Plans for this month and on! :D
=Tomorrow is Beach with Samamy. <3
=In thirteen days my birthday's a-comin' up!
=(Prolly going Down Port with the Biffles.
Then having a family/other friends pool party here.)
=Getting working papers and getting me a fucking job!
(Hopefully at like Shii or Delias, omg bestthingever.
But I just wants me some monies. :[)
=Getting my permit and starting Driver's Ed!
=School starts up in September. :[
Imma be a Junior. :O
Whoaaa.
I know, right?
I can't even believe it myself.
But at least I'm used to the school and the run of things,
So this year shouldn't be too bad,
Otherwise the whole, you know,
Picking your colleges and your life thing.
:/
Still no idea what I'm doing in life yet though.
There're so many things that I want to be.
I would adore to work in forensics, or be a chef, or be a psychiatrist,
Or be an actual doctor,
Or teach English Literature.
I would love to be them all and so much more.
It's times like these where I wish I wasn't so indecisive.
I know that everyone says "You have your whole life to choose a career."
But really, I think part of me believes that my life isn't going to last that long,
Or I'm not going to be successful if I choose one too late,
So I should pick one now and do my best at it.
Still no therapist either.
But one thing at a time. right?
I'm getting slightly better.
With a lot of things.
My confidence,
My anxiety,
And the voice hasn't bothered me for weeks.
I feel like everything's going to start getting better soon.
And I really like this feeling.
Gotta get up early tomorrow though.
Peace, loverlys.
<3
It's been shorter than I thought it was since I last posted.
But the days feel like years here.
And time hasn't been existing.
Good News:
I passed my Earth Science and Global Regents! :D
Both 87's.
Yay Mastery!
I totally could've done better,
But I'm not complaining.
Bad News:
I woke up at 7:30am today.
Fucking thunderstorm and down-pouring.
(Sick as a dog, still too.)Fun-Fun.
I started reading Harry Potter again though.
I wanted to read the 6th book before the movie comes out so I'm not like:
"Lolwut happens before Dumbledore dies?"
And I was watching the 5th movie with my friend yesterday,
Along with the Musical. (lol it's amazing.)
So it's like a HP Party!
I cannot wait for the 6th movie.
Seriously, ugh,
I want it like burning. ;__;
And I wanna see Transformers2 too.
That looks awesome.
Aunt's getting married soon. :|
Gotta go dress shopping this weekend.
(I'm secretly excited. I get to get sundresses<3.)
Also since I agreed to go shopping,
Mommy's getting me some DVD's I've been wanting.
So yay!
I've been writing a lot more lately too.
Which makes me super happy. :3
So this summer's been okay.
I would like a little less sickness and humidity,
But whatevvss.
I wanna go back to sleep now,
So peace, loverlies.<3
♥
Why I don't tell them anything anymore.
Tomorrow's the last day of school.
It really doesn't feel like it though.
(Not to me at least.)
Yeah, I still have Regents to take and all,
But it feels more like March than June.
Probably because it's been raining so much.
I'm not used to it raining in June.
More of, "Oh my god, turn on the a/c now before I shank you, bitch. >|"
Anyways,
I'm glad that it's summer vacation.
I can't wait to hang out with my friends,
Sleep past seven in the morning,
And turn sixteen.
This is a pretty short post.
My apologies, but I am a tad bit sleepy.
Peace, loves.
Not feeling much better than the last post,
But I might as well get an update out there.
I got my period on Friday for the first time in like two months,
And ever since I have been in bitch mode the whole entire time.
Like seriously,
I don't think I've ever been this bad before.
I feel like total and utter shit,
I can't stop myself from talking insults or how I'm feeling,
And I really just have no motivation to do anything right now except sleep.
Regents are in like a week and a half.
I guess I can survive for a good fifteen more days until summer.
(Which I cannot wait for.)
I miss my best friend.
We haven't really hung out or actually had a conversation lasting longer than four minutes in a good while.
Yeah, I talk to her a bit in Spanish,
And we danced and had a great time at Jackie's party,
But we haven't really talked for weeks.
I've tried to make plans with her, but she's always like "Eh, maybe."
I understand she has work and Regents, but she has time for all of her other friends...
And then she'll go to me the next day or something and be like "Hey, my dad's wondering where you've been lately."
I guess I just don't know what to do with her anymore.
And I was talking to my other friend today about how I've been feeling lately,
And she just put everything into perspective for me.
It hurt to realize the truth.
I even had a panic attack right there in front of her, kinda freaking her out, lol.
Getting onto that subject of anxiety,
Still no therapist.
Last time I checked, Mom and Dad were still looking.
Hopefully I get one pretty soon though,
Because I feel like something bad's going to happen...
(I guess we'll see how it goes.)
Well.
I have homework to do.
Peace, loverlys. <3
I don't think I know who I am anymore.
I stayed home from school today,
(Had a super-bad migraine and my throat felt like it was closed.)
So I thought,
"Hey! Why not post a blog?"
And here I am. :]
As for that last post I had...
I'm still feeling that way,
I'm just, idk...
Getting on a little bit of better things,
I finished this horrid report I had to do on Nelson Mandela.
The guy was awesome, don't get me wrong.
Stopping Apartheid is really important,
But I just did not feel like doing it.
Mother's Day's coming up, did you know, did you know? :]
If it weren't for that day, Mommy wouldn't have given birth to me.
So yay Mommies!
And guess what other amazingly awesome thing is on that day?
JACLYN'S BIRTHDAYYYYY.
The Birth of My Twinny<3.
And then her Sweet Sixteen is on the 23rd. :D
It's the epitome of awesome, yes?
I think so too.♥
SPEAKING OF OTHER AWESOME THINGS:
I got a new video-game. *___*
*drumrollllll*
☆Persona 3:FES.☆
See? It even gets stars it's so awesome.
I've been waiting to get this game for like a year and a half.
And every single store I went to,
"Sorry, we're out. :|"
Every.
Single.
Store.
Fucking assholes. >[
But then I went to this store that was jut redone over by where Hollywood Video used to be called:
"Game Crazy."
And they had it. x3
Aha, funny story too.
I go to pay for the game,
The total comes to $32.06.
I count my monies,
I had $31.62.
You don't understand how pissed I was.
But the lady gave me the game anyway, like the best person ever she is.
(Insert love for game store lady here!)
So yeah, end story time!
But I started playing this game,
And guess what.
CREEPIEST SHIT EVER, MAN.
Like, almost as bad as Bioshock--
(Okay, scratch that. Bioshock was creepy as fuck.)
This game has nothing on Bioshock.
But still, it creeped me out a bit. D:
The gameplay's awesome though. *_*
And there's some pretty boys in it too. :3
(Ahem!Akihiko!Ahem.)
Anyways,
So that made me insanely happy.
And now I'm super tired. :[
So I think I'm gonna jet.
Love you guyss.
Peace.
I'm crumbling beneath my smile,
Crying beneath my laughter.
There's something wrong,
But the will to fix it is no longer there.
I don't want to get up anymore.
I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm afraid.
And I don't care at all.
I'm so sick of feeling this way.
Today was full of angst.
In a nutshell,
Two panic attacks, (Really three, but whatev.)
The voice is getting louder,
Suicidal thoughts,
Mother,
Report Cards came,
Etc.
But really I'm just fed up.
Fed up with life, I guess.
I'm tired of feeling fat all the time,
Feeling useless, stupid.
Like death is the only way out.
And like I said,
The voice is getting louder, harder to ignore.
It just seems like it's saying all of the right things,
And like I just can't say no.
I don't want to take my pills tonight.
I know I need them,
But they play around with my emotions.
I feel fake when I take them.
Getting on a better note,
Apparently Daddy and Mommy called some therapists,
And they're gonna pick one out soon for me to go check out.
I'm happy I'm finally getting a little closer to getting better.
It's helped a lot to know that they actually do care,
Regardless of some things that have been said.
I think I'm gonna try sleeping now.
I hope I have a good weekend.
And that you do too.
Peace.
This one will be quick, I promise.
I just had a mental breakdown in front of Gramma, Ashley, Allison, and Mommy.
I sobbed my heart out,
Telling them I was overwhelmed,
That I didn't understand anything anymore.
That I was done.
Done with everything, and that I needed to get out, now.
They hadn't believed something was actually wrong with me before.
They just thought I was sad at the time,
And that I'd get over it soon enough.
But they were wrong.
It didn't go away.
It's still here, eating at me,
Gnawing at my heart, my soul, my brain.
The very core that makes me, me.
I haven't told them about the voice, though.
I don't think I will either.
The one that tells me to stop eating, to just stop living.
The one that despises my entire existence,
And doesn't fail to tell me each and everyday to just end it all,
That everyone hates me, and is just pitying me.
"They don't care about you, Danielle.
No one does.
It's so obvious, too.
Can't you see it?
They're all laughing on the inside at you,
Calling you out for what you really are.
A liar, a cheat, a horrible person.
But I guess you can't see anything anymore.
You'll always just be this, then.
You'll always be alone."
It gets so hard to ignore it sometimes, you know?
And when you do,
It just adds to the curdling feeling of your essence being eaten right inside of you.
It doesn't go away, either.
You try to make it leave,
And it doesn't.
I guess it just built up over a while,
And decided to all come out tonight.
I'm partly glad it did, too.
It made them open their eyes,
See that there's something actually wrong.
And now we're doing something about it.
My mom said that the moment she walked in the door,
After I just belted out to Gramma, Allison and Ashley about everything,
She just knew something was wrong.
When she tried to talk to me about it,
I just started to cry again.
I didn't want her to see me like that.
I ran outside and sat in the rain for a half hour.
Just crying.
She called me in,
So I went in, still crying.
She asked me again what was wrong,
I said: "Nothing, nothing. Just leave me alone." Like I always do.
And she usually just leaves me alone.
But not this time.
I asked her how she knows something was wrong.
And she just said back to me:
"Like Theoden said to Eowyn: 'I know your face.'
I know you, Danielle, I know when something's wrong with my children."
And we hugged each-other after that,
For a long time.
Me just crying in her arms,
Her actually caring and telling me that it's going to be okay.
It made me so happy, to actually feel loved by her.
Mommy's looking for therapists' tomorrow.
Someone to help me talk everything out so this doesn't happen again,
So that maybe I can control my panic attacks,
My feelings,
The voice.
I just needed to get this all down.
I have school tomorrow,
So I guess I'm gonna jet.
Peace.<3
Hola, lovies.
Wow, I haven't been on here in about a month.
Sorry 'bout that.
Been busy and in Spain, you know?
Speaking of,
I got back yesterday and had such a great time.
But I also had a horrible time.
So much drama.
Let's start this started then:
So, second night in Spain around 8-10pm,
This girl Rachelle (17 years old) tells my teacher she's sick and is going to sleep for dinner,
So we check on her later in the night to see if she's hungry,
And we pull off her covers of her bed to see three pillows in the shape of a body.
(Meanwhile at the same time, her best friend Gloria is missing too.)
It turns out Rachelle and Gloria ran away from our hotel,
With four guys all over 25 to go drinking.
So they're out for two hours all over Costa Del Sol in Spain,
Doing God knows what with those boys.
My teacher, Mrs. Harvey sent 5 cops on them,
No sign of them for those two hours.
But thank God a little after the two hours,
There's Gloria and Rachelle outside our hotel talking to the guys.
My friends and I run outside on our balcony,
With a lot of other people on theirs,
Screaming for them to get their asses back in the hotel,
But they just smiled and told the guys that they'd be right back.
Mrs. Harvey flips a fucking shit and runs out to them,
Screaming at them to how worried everyone was and that she was definitely going home for this.
Rachelle starts crying,
And what was her excuse?
"I had my phone. You could have called me."
That's right.
You read that correctly.
She thought having her phone in a foreign country would suffice as a proper excuse.
What the fucking hell.
Anyway, so.
Rachelle was getting sent home along with Gloria the next day since they came back around 12-1pm.
(Speaking of, if they went home, some adult would have to go with them since they're minors.)
(And that person would have been Mrs. Harvey's husband, Dennis.)
Next day comes,
We go do our touring stuff as usual,
And get to the Ghetto Hotel.
(Quick thing about the Ghetto Hotel:)
(It had quilts as ceilings, jizz on the wall, period blood on the toilet, and diarrhea in the tub.)
(Delish, yes?)
Ahem.
So we get there,
And around just before dinner time,
Mrs. Harvey calls everyone out in the lobby for an emergency meeting.
I had just gotten out of the shower mind you,
So I ran out of my room with shorts, a tank top and no shoes on to the lobby to see what was up.
Harvey tells us straight up that Rachelle was on the phone with her mom and said to her that some guys went out drinking on the first night.
(This was true, but they were back by curfew and only had a drink or two. No shitfaced or anything.)
(Anyway, you don't say that to a teacher, okay? They followed the basic rules, unlike her.)
So she asks us if that's true.
We said no, of course.
And then she tells us exactly what Rachelle said:
That 15 guys went out drinking on the first night.
First of all, we only had eight guys on the trip with us.
So Harvey saw through the lie right there, but still had to talk to us.
Then she says that Rachelle told her that 3 girls called her and said that the guys went drinking.
(Of course, she says all of this to get the girls in trouble too, to get us sent home as well.)
So we denied it,
Especially since no-one did call her.
And Harvey believed us.
So then we talked to Rachelle's mom about getting sent home still.
If she did go home with Gloria and Dennis (Harvey's Hubby) did come,
The moms would have to pay for his trip there and back to Spain, like they should.
Rachelle's mom said fine, money's no problem.
But then after the whole telling on the girls thing,
Harvey says that Rachelle said that she and her mom could sue Dennis for rape if he went back with them.
(A 40yr old man with two 17yr olds, mind you.)
And that she would sure Harvey and the rest of the chaperones for not taking care of us.
Which all of this caused more drama.
But in the end of this meeting,
Harvey didn't punish us and decided that Rachelle was still going home, and that they'd get the money next day.
And guess who had to room with Rachelle the night of this meeting?
Me and Christine.
Funny, right?
Once again,
Next day comes,
They try Rachelle's card to get the money,
And it's declined.
(Conveniently right after we talked to her mother about all of this.)
Interesting, yes?
So yeah.
Anyway,
Rachelle and Gloria both ended up staying.
It just totally pissed all of the group off, you know?
And also,
Remember how I said people did actually go drinking first night?
Some people did get drunk.
And they had sex.
It just adds to more drama.
In a nutshell of some other things:
Airport:
-I almost got frisked.
-My olive oil got taken away.
-They thought my sand in a bottle was drugs and my retainers were torture devices.
-Baggage Claim took a year and a half.
-I fucking hate Customs.
Plane There:
-I had a Panic Attack.
-Couldn't sleep.
-Food was okay.
-Didn't really know the people I was sitting next to.
Spain:
-Made new friends.
-Got followed by annoying ladies who wanted money.
-Bed surfed.
-Got ignored.
-Took pictures.
-Walked a lot.
-Saw Cats dying.
-Got hit on.
-Got pissed off at people.
-Thought someone was cute.
-Had more panic attacks.
-Got jealous.
-Felt ugly and fat.
-Had fun.
-Etc.
Plane Home:
-Found out a lot.
-Sat next to Ashling and Elise.
-Slept a bit.
-Liked the food.
-Couldn't wait to get home.
More shit happened, blahh, this post would be a novel if I went on about Spain.
Other than all that shit,
I had an awesome time,
And I would love to go back.
I missed everyone,
Especially Sam, Jackie, and Lizzy<3.
Better jet now. Peace.
♪Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...♪
Evening, darlings.
It's been a while, huh?
A lot of stuff has happened in the last week or so,
But most of it's calmed down now.
I almost lost her.
And trust me when I say, it was just hell.
But we're still friends,
And I love her with all of my heart, forever and ever.
Getting onto other stuff,
Tomorrow will be two weeks until my departure.
And I'm actually really excited now.
I can't wait to see what it's like outside of the great ol' USA. (Lol, joke bnr<3.)
And also speaking of tomorrow,
I'm going to get my eyes checked out for my new glasses. x]
They're gonna be blue and gorgeous.
Lizzy and Glen helped me pick them out.<3.
I love those two.♥
I'm also bidding on a camera on eBay.
A vintage Minolta xG7 35mm. :]
It's quite pretty,
And I hope I win since I need a nice film camera for Spain, and the rest of my photoing. =]
Wow short post,
But I gots to jet quickly.
Love you guys<3.
Peace.
I feel like I'm being pushed away.
By her, mostly.
Okay, all of by her.
She's dating this guy now.
Let's call him, him. (He gets an ugly color. >[ )
Him and her used to like each-other a lot.
It started last year, ninth grade, I believe?
Some stuff happened, she stopped liking him.
And last I checked, she still didn't like him.
Guess I was wrong.
Anyway,
Sometimes he can be a real fucking asshole,
Who hurts her, (A lot in the past.)
Anyone who hurts her is a fucking enemy to me.
I'm a very jealous person, that admitted.
And yeah, I like her, if you couldn't tell already.
I just.
I don't want her to get hurt, at all.
I can't deal with her in pain, (If you didn't see my last big post with her in it, you should look.)
So seriously, if he hurts her,
I'll kill him.
Seriously, I will have no hesitation to coming over there,
And beating his fucking ass out of his mouth with knife-fronted, steel-toed boots.
Anyway.
I might have an anxiety disorder.
Going to the doctor finally on Tuesday for my UTI meds,
And I'm gonna talk to her about these series of feelings with severely elevated heart-rate,
Dizziness, short of breath, shaking, etc.
I've had these things for years now, but I never knew what it was, and my mom just shrugged it off.
My Health Teacher told me what I was describing is a minor Panic Attack/Panic Attack.
(One happened a few days ago, and I told her about it.)
I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack,
It was horrible.
Mother just says I'm "nervous" but, I want to get a professional opinion.
And yeah, I understand that I'm a hormonal teenager,
But I'm smart enough to distinguish what a panic attack must feel like and what hormones raging feel like.
Nothing alike, I assure you.
If they have to put me on medication for the anxiety,
I can tell my mom's gonna say no.
She has anxiety too, but she doesn't do anything about it.
She has a problem with people 'getting dependent on pills'.
I do too, trust me.
(I have a problem with my dependence on Tylenol,
Since she won't let me get prescribed the actual migraine meds I need to get rid of the pain, and two Tylenol just don't help anymore.)
But if what I've been experiencing is really Panic Attacks,
Then the mental things I've been doing the past few years have not been working.
I really don't want to go on another medication,
But if I have to, to get better, then I guess I'll have to.
Ugh, so much to think about.
I guess I'm gonna lie down for a bit.
Peace.
From now on,
Kevin's going to be living with us for a while.
Something happened with his family,
I'm not supposed to know,
But whatever,
I'm a teenager and I eavesdrop.
Apparently something happened with his dad and his mom, ( I think they're divorced already, but idk)
Anyway, I heard Ashley say that his dad's been taking money from him for the past four months,
For his Grandpa.
And then something about financial problems.
I think someone lost their house in the midst, but then again, I could be wrong.
I don't know why, she didn't go into detail.
But somehow this ended up where Kevin has no place to stay.
So he's staying here for a while.
How long?
I really don't know.
Not that I mind.
I told you,
I like Kevin.
He's a nice boy.
With a hard life.
I feel bad for him mostly,
Having to deal with Ashley's shit most of the time, (She loves him, yeah, but still.)
Along with this family stuff,
And college next year.
Speaking of college for this boy,
I heard something about Stony Brook?
And that he can't go to the college of his choice because of all this family stuff.
My dad asked Ashley if this is going to affect her college for next year,
And she said that she didn't know, but I can tell.
She's not going anywhere without Kevin.
So now in this house,
We have me, Ashley, Allison,
My mom, My dad,
My Grandpa and Grandma,
And Kevin.
Eight people in a house that's supposed to be five.
I'm really not saying that I don't love my family and Kevin.
But I'm just really fucking tired of all of this crap.
I understand that, you know, my parents just love their own family and want to help them out.
My Grandma was kicked out of my Aunts' house, so Mom invited her here.
Grandpa's been living here since he got evicted from his house in Arizona,
And now Kevin.
Please don't interpret this wrong.
I seriously love my family a lot, (And Kevin too.)
No matter what I say.
But I'm tired of this house being overrun.
There's just not enough room.
Physically, of course there is.
But mentally, it's just way too much.
We can't financially afford all of this.
Not with Ashley's college(s) tuition/car insurance,
My Spain Trip,
My Class Ring that my mother insisted on.
And basic things like their bills and car payments and stuff.
Let alone put a smile on and try to feed eight mouths along with Jetta,
While my mom is losing hours in her job and is seriously not doing so well in her health.
She won't do a thing about it,
But I still feel bad for her.
I wish I could help, really.
But all I want to do is get rid of everyone.
It's just how I'm feeling right now.
I'm so tired of all the yelling and bickering,
The coughing and gagging,
The screeching and sobbing,
All of it.
It's just overwhelming me right now.
I don't know.
I just had to get this all out.
I need to sleep.
Peace.
Hey loves.
Guess what.
Remember how I said I had a UTI?
Well, after the first week, it went away,
So I was like "YAY!"
But then over the past two weeks it's been coming back,
So I told my mom and she said if it happens again she'll bring me to the doctor to get some antibiotics.
I really hope I don't go overboard with them.
I just finished this new book though.
Lizzy let me borrow it. :]
It's called: "But Inside I'm Screaming"
Overall, it was a pretty good book.
Had a lot of intense things in it.
Got me thinking a lot.
Tomorrow it'll be a month until Spain.
Everyone keeps coming to me about it saying how they'd love to go.
I, honestly, just can't wait to come back.
I'm saying that now, yeah.
I might think differently when I'm on my way and stuff,
But right now, I just think I'll want to come home.
It's a Snow!Day today, though. :D
And my Biffle's Two Month with her Stevie-Bear.<3
Congrats, love, really.♥
This school year's going way too fast.
Last time I checked,
It was October and I was picking out a costume last minute.
But now it's March and almost my friend's birthday.
Next it'll be Spain,
Then it'll be Jackie's Birthday and Sweet Sixteen,
And soon it'll be summer,
And then Junior Year.
Too fast for me, I think.
But oh well,
I'm not Father Time, now, am I?
I don't feel much like CSI right now,
So I'm probably just gonna nap.
Bye for now, loves.
Peace.
I got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth.
And shes an actress,
But she ain't got no need.
Shes got money from her parents in a trust fund back east...Okay, so.
'Sup, guys?
It's almost the end of February here,
Been off of school the whole week.
It's been pretty cool, I guess.
Haven't had time to get on here lately though.
Just been moody and tired and Lappy's been dead.
Same old excuses, eh?
Found out Sean Astin and Tori Belleci are gonna be at I-CON today.
Fucking Spain.
I love Sean and Tori.
LOTR and MythBusters FTW<3.>]
I know I keep mentioning Spain a fraction at a time,
But I'll just get it over with now.
So I'm leaving on April 3 to go to a tour of Spain.
Goin' to school that day too, aha.
Leaving for the Airport at 2:15,
(Flight's at 6.)
The flight'll be 12 hours to get there,
Same to come home.
It's not that I'm afraid of flying.
I've been on planes plenty of times.
But I don't think I've been on one for 12 hours though.
And I've never been outta the country before either,
So eh.
Mom's giving me a Portable DVD player,
And I'm gonna get some books and bring my iPod of course. :]
No Lappy in El Spain-o.
It's like 10 pounds, and there's no guarantee of Internet access anyway.
Mommy's gonna try and get me an Over-Sea's card for my phone too.
So I can talk to her and let her know I'm not dead and all.
Imma call my friends too, to piss 'em off with the six hour time difference. >] (Bnr, of course.♥)
But most likely, I'll just want to sleep.
(It'll help the thoughts of crashing get out easier.)
We get to stop in London for two hours though! <3>|)
Ashling's okay though.
It's just Michelle.
Buncha other people are going that I don't know,
So basically I'll sit in bed or something, or sleep.
Oh and guess how many hours they expect us to sleep for?
Only five.
With no naps.
Since we'll be touring all day, the only sleep we'll be getting is at bedtime.
Imma die.
I love my sleep. D:
Anyway,
We're gonna be there 9 days,
Touring around until we get to Madrid.
Then it's another 12 hours until I'm back to America.
I get to see a Morrocan Show before we leave, though.
In Alhambra, which'll be beast. (It's so beautiful there, omg.)
So that might be cool. :]
I looked up a bit of the music on YouTube, and I like it.
It's catchy, but subtle and beautiful.
Oh and I have a souvenir list to get through with too:
(Courtesy of my friends, of course.)
-A bit of Dirty Spanish Water.
-Sand.
-A Spanish Baby Named WaJulio. (<-This one'll be tough, but I'm tougher. >] )
-Spanish currency.
-Etc.
And if anyone would like to add to that list, go ahead and I'll try my best. :]
Well, that's the whole about Spain.
It'll be a great experience,
I just know it.
But I've never liked leaving home, (Like Long Island, I mean.)
And I'm really not a fan of going on Vacation,
So this might be a little tough or it might not be.
Oh and my whole druggie thing'll be under control too, loves.
Don't worry. :]
I'll be fully loaded on the trip and hopefully I won't get sick.
(I better fucking not since I got that shot. >|)
But I mean headache wise and stuff. :]<3>[
Ooh, got a Sweet!Sixteen to go to tomorrow too.
Fun, fun. :/
( I don't like them, but I do love my friends, so of course I'm going!)
Well, for once, Lappy's not dying,
I just wanna end this superfuckinglong post.
Night then, darlings.
Jettin' out.
Peace.
Hey lovies.
This one'll be short, since Lappy's dying.
Ashley still has the charger.
Oh, speaking of Ashley, she's talking to me again.
That's pretty good considering some other things.
My weekend's been pretty beast.
Hung out with her all day yesterday and Friday.
I needed it too.
:]
I do miss all my other friends still though.
Maybe we should plan another Sushi adventure when it's not so deathly cold out. xD
That'd be nice. :]
Might get a haircut today, depending on what Mommy says.
She's been really tired lately, hope she's okay.
And Daddy as usual is just trying to bond with me. (I love him<3.)
Wow, I almost wrote bong.
Lol, I'm tired too.
Bought lots of manga on Friday,
Spent all my money though. xD
Ohwell.
Spain'll have to wait. :]
Actually, not so much really.
I'm leaving in two months for nine days.
I'm a little nervous,
But I want to go, and have fun.
And I will most likely. :]
Oops.
Lappy's going on empty over here.
Gotta jet. x]
Peace.
Afternoon, darlings. :]
I'm feeling a lot better now, and my sister's back. :/
But blahhh, I might have a UTI, which isn't that cool. :[
Gotta eat yogurt and have cranberry juice for a while,
To eliminate bacteria and stuff,
But it might just be nothing.
School today was okay though.
3rd Quarter just started on Monday,
And my lunch changed, got rid of Creative Writing since it's only a 1/2yr,
And gained Health.
It's going pretty well so far. :]
In English,
Did some research on scheduling for next year,
And I've already picked my classes basically.
(Not in this order of course, lol.)
-English11 Honors.
-U.S. History Honors.
-TrigonometryR.
-ChemistryR.
-Project Adventure(Gym)/Lab.
-Lunch.
-Spanish4.
-Psychology/Something.
-French2.
I still need to find a half year course to rival Psych,
But I'm pretty happy with what I'm gonna do.
'Gotta get as much Honors as I can, yanno?
Looks better on the transcript.
Also, I gotta take Chemistry next year anyway,
Since I want to take Forensics more than anything in Senior Year.
I would take Advanced Photo to rival Psych, but it's a full year course. :/
And as for the French, I would adore to learn it, and I should be okay with the whole Spanish/French thing too.
(Hopefully, that is.)
And remember that girl I was talking about a few entries back?
The one I thought was amazing?
And how I wouldn't give her a colour?
I lied. :]
She's too amazing for no colour.
So now this is her.
Not to be confused with her.
She has italics. :]
But yes, she's kinda really amazing, omg. x]
And adorable. :X
Ahem.
Anyway,
I've been going eBay crazy lately.
Got 2 DVDs so far,
A video-game,
And a strategy guide.
And now I'm bidding on these 6 DVDs,
T-shirt,
Stuffed animal,
6 soundtracks,
And collective box all together. C:
I'm a hog, but I just hope I win. *_*
Well, it's CSI time. :]
Gotta jet, as you probably know.
Peace.
I just want to die.
It's becoming too much for me to handle anymore.
Nothing is making me feel better.
I'm so useless, so faulty...
I'm starting to hate everything, and I don't care.
Good the fuck bye,
And thanks, Mom.
You're just the greatest.
Oh and you too, Ashley, for making a perfect night end in shit.
Peace.
Evening, darlings.
Today wasn't that eventful.
Except I went to the doctor, and got three shots.
Meningitis, Gardicille, and Hepatitis A.
For college, cancer, and Spain.
But I got Tweety Bird bandaids and three lollipops. :D
My arms hurt pretty bad though. :/
Yesterday was fun, though.
Took a math test that I probably failed. (<-Only bad part.)
Hung out with her the rest of the day before going to my cousin's birthday party.
The hanging out was cool,
We played video-games, watched an awesome .hack// DVD, and played with her piggy. x]
His name's Wilbur too. xD
At the party, the family and I ate some cake and told some jokes while watching the Goonies.
Twas tolerable, more so than the rest of our parties.
Not a lot of yelling, but the kids could stop screaming a little bit.
That'd be cool.
As for now, I've been gaming a lot today and CSI's been on a lot.
But my Greggy hasn't. :[
He's on, on Sunday.
CSI MARATHON, baby!
You know where I'll be. ;3
Still miss my friends. :/
Sigh, gotta jet again.
Peace.
Whoa, it's been quite a bit since I've posted, huh?
Sorry about that.
Been pretty dead over the past week or so.
Had a Mono scare with a friend, but it turned out to be something else for her.
(She's feeling a lot better now though. I'm so glad, I hate it when she's sick, I just want her to be okay.)
And for me?
Upper Respiratory Infection, or so Mommy says.
"Grandma gave it to me."
(I think it's just a cold or reaction to this medication she's been shoving down my throat.)
It's pretty much cleared up right now, though.
Except the cough's still here.
The week's just been rough,
With all the finals and everything.
And the sickness. :/
But otherwise, life's been okay.
Parents have been acting weird though.
Weird like not caring weird.
They keep forgetting simple things,
Like food.
Ashley started her new college the other day.
She's going to Suffolk now.
And guess what?
She hates it there too.
But she said her and Kevin are gonna get married soon.
After they go to Connecticut and stay in a college for a year or two.
So that'll be cool.
I like Kevin.
Nice boy.
Regarding me this time,
I've been surprisingly happy lately.
Lonely, but with a smile, if that makes sense.
My horoscope's been pretty good to me too.
Telling me that I'm going to be having some sort of relationship possibility soon.
*Shrug* I believe in Horoscopes, but in that one, I have some serious doubts.
Especially since the only things I've been doing lately are sleeping and stuffing my face.
I'm pretty content right now though.
I was watching The Riddick Trilogy before. :]
Vin Diesel's another one of my babies. x]
He's quite the gorgeous man.
Don't you think? :]
Off from school this week too for Regents and stuff.
Gotta come in on Thursday for a Math Midterm, though.
Not my favorite subject at all.
I just hope I didn't fail the quarter, since I know I'm going to fail the Midterm.
Just don't want Mom up my ass again for this. :|
Sigh.
I miss my friends.
Gotta jet now, people.
Peace.
Fucking fuck you.
Stop being such a bitch to me.
I know I can't go to I-CON.
You know I would go if I could.
But my mom already spent a good $3,000 on this trip to Spain for me.
So stop doing this to me.
You know I feel guilty easily,
And reminding me of it is just making it worse.
Sometimes,
And really lately,
I'm starting to really get tired of you.
Getting back on better things,
Party at Lizzy's tonight. :]
It's too cold to go downport.
But I can't wait.
I really love her lots<3.
But she's getting too old for me now. :[
Soon she'll be legal.
And that's when they all go bad.
Lolololol, totally j/k.
I'll always love her<3.
No matter how old she may get.
Well, have things to do, darlings.
Peace.
Today was filled with fail. :/
But first, the good things!
Lots of snow and coldness.
Fried food at lunch, yay!
Lizzy's birthday, even more yay!
Talk on the phone day in Global, whoo!
Talk about everything day in Creative Writing, awesome!
I slept, yay!
Bad things time:
First, really didn't want to get up this morning.
Second, almost fell asleep in math. Lol, not so good.
More annoying fucking people in Photo.
Spanish sucked. My teacher yelled at us for taking seconds to process something.
Apparently it isn't allowed.
(Because sacks of thoughtless meat is totally better.)
Bullshitted my way through an essay in English.
Gym, blah.
And in Science,
These kids stole my teacher's dinosaur toys,
And she was really upset.
I hate people,
So I'm gonna buy her some new ones.
I don't like how she's treated at all.
At home, things got a little better when I slept.
But then I was woken up to go and get my Passport Picture.
(I'm going to Spain in April. :/)
So yeah, not so fun, leaving home for nine days.
And apparently I won't be able to bring Kingsorion (my Lappy) depending on what the people at my school says.
(Oh well though, I'm bringing it anyway.)
Gotta go to the Post Office tomorrow to get the paper work filled out.
And dontcha just love Long Island?
Guess how many degrees it's gonna be tomorrow?
8.
No, that wasn't a typo.
8 degrees.
I can't wait. x]
So yeah, hopefully 2 hour delay tomorrow.
Yay more sleep.
Still have lots of projects due,
So that's not fun.
And all of my friends, well, almost all of them have boyfriends/girlfriends or are getting boyfriends/girlfriends.
It's not that I don't feel lonely,
More than usual,
But still, it's kinda awkward at the lunch table when people are texting their lovers and I'm just...not.
Eh, whatever, though.
And now, my Greggy's not on TV, :[
(Ahem, I would totally adore some CSI Season DVD's for like a gift or something. >->; )So I'm eating some macaroni and watching NCIS. xD
Saturday's going to be the bomb, though.
Downport with the Biffles<3.
Anywhoo,
Gotta jet now.
Peace.
Well, I have it.
See all those emotional posts down below? ↓
Part of me blames it on the weather.
The snow keeps melting.
I love snow.
The other part blames it on people.
Just drama, yanno?
But today was decent, I guess.
'Got a fucking 95% on my Math Quiz!!!!!!!! :DDDDD
I get to make my last roll for Photo1 digital, so that'll be kinda chill.
'Had a fight with her, then made up.
Or at least she thinks it's made up.
She's just been, unbearable lately.
Whatever though.
My Biffle fixed me right up with some Fudge Brownie Cookies<3.
Oh yeah, she'll be in here a lot too. :]
(See, love? You get your own color. x])
I wrote part of a nice piece in Creative Writing.
Still haven't made it anywhere on the project though.
Speaking of projects, I have a Thematic Essay due next week,
As well as an essay in English about the person who's influenced us the most.
I'm stuck between her and her.
Lunch was just great, as always.
Lab off was fun.
I think I'm starting to get a small Girl-Crush on someone too. :X
Don't worry, it's not another her, I just think this one's awesome. xD
If I give her a color though, then that'd be like asfghgsdf of the eyes. >->;
And now, you ask?
Now I'm just sitting here blogging while trying to solve a case on my new CSI game.
I fucking love CSI, btw.
Greggy is my baby, though.
Ignore the dead body.
He's the pretty one in the back. :]
Also gonna crunk it downport on Saturday with her and her (<-Look, Mommy, you get a color too! :D) for her birthday. :]
Gotta jet now, loves.
Peace.
She keeps talking about not speaking to me anymore.
Really, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to kill myself.
I told her that.
I keep telling her that.
"What would you do if one day I just stopped talking to you forever?"
"Kill myself."
"Haha, let's not get pissed at each-other then."
You don't understand that I wouldn't be able to live without you.
You just.
You're everything to me.
I wish I could just tell you all of this.
How I feel about you and about our relationship.
My friends don't understand that I don't want to have sex with you,
That I don't want to just non-stop make-out with you and kiss you,
All I want is to spend the rest of my life with you.
Next to you.
And your beautiful smile,
Your intoxicating humour and sarcasm,
Your adorable baby voice,
Your warm hugs,
Your constant teasing,
And everything else about you that makes you, you.
I would never do anything to hurt you.
Not intentionally, that is.
I would never skip out on your Sweet Sixteen Party.
I would never miss your Graduation Party.
I would never miss your Wedding.
I would never not come to your Wake.
I love you too much.
Way, way, too much, darling.
More than you could ever know.
I'd give you my kidney,
I'd give you my liver,
I'd give you my pancreas,
Part of my brain,
My heart.
Anything and everything.
You can have it and you can keep it forever without giving me anything in return for as long as we live.
I just want you to be happy and healthy, that is all.
To know that I will always be here for you,
Forever and ever.
I didn't talk to you when we hung out yesterday,
About how I was feeling,
Feeling like you hate me.
I just.
I can't seem to get the words out without bursting to sobs.
Even thinking them--typing this right now is making tears well up in my eyes.
I don't want you to ever say that you hate me,
Or that you never want to speak to me again,
I can just picture you throwing everything I ever gave you at my feet,
Screaming your lungs out for me to just leave you the fuck alone,
Me sobbing and just falling to my knees,
Begging for it to be a dream,
Praying for it to not be real,
And all I would say would be two words over and over:
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
But somehow,
I feel like you're going to say these things really soon if I don't talk to you.
We're not hanging out tomorrow.
I'm still going to talk to you about it though.
No matter what.
I want to know everything,
Just so I can fix it all for you,
So I can do everything,
Make every little problem go away.
Anything for you.
Anything...
I'm not good enough for her.I will never be.
Ever.
I'm going to lie down and cry now.
Peace.
Okay, yeah.
Pretty sucky day today.
I woke up freezing,
(Which I usually do since you know, it's Winter here and all,)
But this morning was just like hypothermia freezing.
Slipped on some ice on the way to the car,
Got a 52 on a math test,
18/60 on another,
And ohlook 62 average,
Just fucking great.
I have a quiz tomorrow though,
And I pretty much understand what we're going over right now.
So if I do good it should hopefully bring up my average to passing. :/
Photo was okay, finished those reading assignments that I had to.
But ohmygod, I kind of want to kill this one freshman girl in my class. (I don't have a grudge/hate for freshman, I'm just stating age for this.)
All she does is complain.
*Beginning of mini-rant #1*
(Her)"Ugh, I hate this class. I only came in the class mid first-quarter since guidance sucks ass and wouldn't give be a better choice than Photo."
~~~
"I hate developing! It's so stupid, why can't we just use digital cameras and Photoshop like before?"
(Me)"Uh, since that would defeat the whole purpose of the class? Traditional photography is dying out, you know, so it's nice to get a chance to do it the old fashioned way, right?"
"If you're a caveman! *insert really obnoxious laugh here*"
~~~
You could have chosen another class, couldn't you?
If you hate it so much, drop it.
You're already taking chorus, no?
There's your art/music credit.
Gtfo the class if you think Photography's so stupid.
Other people like me, and my friends actually like it and it's a nice class.
So don't be like the other people in the room who is just taking this class for an 'Easy A' and ruin expensive equipment, 'kay?
Anyway, Spanish was decent.
I talked to her most of the period.
It was nice, except she likes to draw penises in my agenda book so I keep having to attack the White!Out to get rid of the 'Genda Herpes. But her teeth hurt so I felt bad.
We're going to the mall tomorrow though. :]
So that'll be fun.
I'll try to talk to her about all the yucky stuff too.
Global2Honors wasn't so bad either.
We have a Thematic Essay to write, but eh, my teacher's really helping us a lot.
I like his class because he just doesn't teach us what he's told to teach us.
He speaks freely about his views and is a nice, funny guy who really knows how to connect with the kids.
But stern when needed.
English next, ugh.
I don't even want to get into it.
Creative Writing was good.
Got a lot of writing done, lol.
Lunch was of course, fun as hell<3.
And double science was just.
Ugh, lemme explain.
Lab day, my picked group isn't the best of the bunch.
I was the only girl in the group, by the way,
And somehow while I was doing my work,
The topic of Miniskirts came up.
The guy next to me says this to all the people around:
(Him) "You know what? The guy who created mini-skirts, those shortshortshort shorts, and thongs should be a God. You know a skinny girl with a tight top, mini-skirt and thong is just mmmmm! *Shiver* Easy access, you know? Hahaha."
Okay, yeah.
Thanks for the regard of this not so skinny girl who's sitting right next to you.
(No, I don't think I'm fat just a tad on the chubby side. >/)
If you saw me in a mini-skirt, you'd probably throw up four times, give 'r take.
Ugh, people like that just really piss me off.
I love the thought of beautiful these days, don't you?
Screw this, I'm not in the mood anymore.
Peace.
Today was okay.
I didn't get to sleep as usual though.
'Been waiting to watch House.
And oh look, I'm not even watching it, lol.
I feel quite paranoid lately.
For a lot of reasons.
Mostly because of her.
Oh yeah, you'll be hearing about her a lot.
She runs through my brain non-stop and I'm starting to feel like I'm losing her.
But thanks to Mommy Dearest<33,
I'm going to talk to her and sort things out.
Ugh, it's really hot in here.
And I just want to sleep.
Night for now then, loves.
Peace.
Ohaythar.
The title kinda says everything, but yeah.
I needed a place that wasn't a community to just get everything out.
How I'm really feeling,
About my life,
My friends,
My lovers and such.
Most of it will be angsty probably.
Since yanno, teenager here.
Anyway,
No-one has to read this.
It's purely for me.
And my not so clear mind.
So yeah, welcome, I guess.
:/;
