Breakdown, Shakedown.

I'm crumbling beneath my smile,
Crying beneath my laughter.
There's something wrong,
But the will to fix it is no longer there.







I don't want to get up anymore.
I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm afraid.
And I don't care at all.



I'm so sick of feeling this way.

Clouds Will Rage Up, Storms Will Race In, But You Will Be Safe, In My Arms.

Today was full of angst.

In a nutshell,
Two panic attacks, (Really three, but whatev.)
The voice is getting louder,
Suicidal thoughts,
Mother,
Report Cards came,
Etc.

But really I'm just fed up.
Fed up with life, I guess.
I'm tired of feeling fat all the time,
Feeling useless, stupid.
Like death is the only way out.

And like I said,
The voice is getting louder, harder to ignore.
It just seems like it's saying all of the right things,
And like I just can't say no.

I don't want to take my pills tonight.
I know I need them,
But they play around with my emotions.
I feel fake when I take them.

Getting on a better note,
Apparently Daddy and Mommy called some therapists,
And they're gonna pick one out soon for me to go check out.
I'm happy I'm finally getting a little closer to getting better.
It's helped a lot to know that they actually do care,
Regardless of some things that have been said.

I think I'm gonna try sleeping now.
I hope I have a good weekend.
And that you do too.

Peace.

"I Know Your Face."

This one will be quick, I promise.

I just had a mental breakdown in front of Gramma, Ashley, Allison, and Mommy.
I sobbed my heart out,
Telling them I was overwhelmed,
That I didn't understand anything anymore.
That I was done.
Done with everything, and that I needed to get out, now.

They hadn't believed something was actually wrong with me before.
They just thought I was sad at the time,
And that I'd get over it soon enough.
But they were wrong.

It didn't go away.
It's still here, eating at me,
Gnawing at my heart, my soul, my brain.
The very core that makes me, me.

I haven't told them about the voice, though.
I don't think I will either.
The one that tells me to stop eating, to just stop living.
The one that despises my entire existence,
And doesn't fail to tell me each and everyday to just end it all,
That everyone hates me, and is just pitying me.

"They don't care about you, Danielle.
No one does.
It's so obvious, too.
Can't you see it?
They're all laughing on the inside at you,
Calling you out for what you really are.
A liar, a cheat, a horrible person.
But I guess you can't see anything anymore.
You'll always just be this, then.
You'll always be alone."

It gets so hard to ignore it sometimes, you know?
And when you do,
It just adds to the curdling feeling of your essence being eaten right inside of you.

It doesn't go away, either.
You try to make it leave,
And it doesn't.

I guess it just built up over a while,
And decided to all come out tonight.
I'm partly glad it did, too.

It made them open their eyes,
See that there's something actually wrong.
And now we're doing something about it.

My mom said that the moment she walked in the door,
After I just belted out to Gramma, Allison and Ashley about everything,
She just knew something was wrong.
When she tried to talk to me about it,
I just started to cry again.
I didn't want her to see me like that.
I ran outside and sat in the rain for a half hour.
Just crying.
She called me in,
So I went in, still crying.
She asked me again what was wrong,
I said: "Nothing, nothing. Just leave me alone." Like I always do.
And she usually just leaves me alone.
But not this time.

I asked her how she knows something was wrong.
And she just said back to me:
"Like Theoden said to Eowyn: 'I know your face.'
I know you, Danielle, I know when something's wrong with my children."
And we hugged each-other after that,
For a long time.
Me just crying in her arms,
Her actually caring and telling me that it's going to be okay.
It made me so happy, to actually feel loved by her.

Mommy's looking for therapists' tomorrow.
Someone to help me talk everything out so this doesn't happen again,
So that maybe I can control my panic attacks,
My feelings,
The voice.

I just needed to get this all down.
I have school tomorrow,
So I guess I'm gonna jet.
Peace.<3

We Were Dreaming of a Better Life, But All We Got Was a Fantasy.

Hola, lovies.
Wow, I haven't been on here in about a month.
Sorry 'bout that.
Been busy and in Spain, you know?

Speaking of,
I got back yesterday and had such a great time.
But I also had a horrible time.
So much drama.
Let's start this started then:

So, second night in Spain around 8-10pm,
This girl Rachelle (17 years old) tells my teacher she's sick and is going to sleep for dinner,
So we check on her later in the night to see if she's hungry,
And we pull off her covers of her bed to see three pillows in the shape of a body.
(Meanwhile at the same time, her best friend Gloria is missing too.)
It turns out Rachelle and Gloria ran away from our hotel,
With four guys all over 25 to go drinking.
So they're out for two hours all over Costa Del Sol in Spain,
Doing God knows what with those boys.

My teacher, Mrs. Harvey sent 5 cops on them,
No sign of them for those two hours.
But thank God a little after the two hours,
There's Gloria and Rachelle outside our hotel talking to the guys.
My friends and I run outside on our balcony,
With a lot of other people on theirs,
Screaming for them to get their asses back in the hotel,
But they just smiled and told the guys that they'd be right back.

Mrs. Harvey flips a fucking shit and runs out to them,
Screaming at them to how worried everyone was and that she was definitely going home for this.
Rachelle starts crying,
And what was her excuse?
"I had my phone. You could have called me."
That's right.
You read that correctly.
She thought having her phone in a foreign country would suffice as a proper excuse.
What the fucking hell.

Anyway, so.
Rachelle was getting sent home along with Gloria the next day since they came back around 12-1pm.
(Speaking of, if they went home, some adult would have to go with them since they're minors.)
(And that person would have been Mrs. Harvey's husband, Dennis.)

Next day comes,
We go do our touring stuff as usual,
And get to the Ghetto Hotel.

(Quick thing about the Ghetto Hotel:)
(It had quilts as ceilings, jizz on the wall, period blood on the toilet, and diarrhea in the tub.)
(Delish, yes?)

Ahem.
So we get there,
And around just before dinner time,
Mrs. Harvey calls everyone out in the lobby for an emergency meeting.
I had just gotten out of the shower mind you,
So I ran out of my room with shorts, a tank top and no shoes on to the lobby to see what was up.

Harvey tells us straight up that Rachelle was on the phone with her mom and said to her that some guys went out drinking on the first night.
(This was true, but they were back by curfew and only had a drink or two. No shitfaced or anything.)
(Anyway, you don't say that to a teacher, okay? They followed the basic rules, unlike her.)
So she asks us if that's true.
We said no, of course.
And then she tells us exactly what Rachelle said:
That 15 guys went out drinking on the first night.

First of all, we only had eight guys on the trip with us.
So Harvey saw through the lie right there, but still had to talk to us.
Then she says that Rachelle told her that 3 girls called her and said that the guys went drinking.
(Of course, she says all of this to get the girls in trouble too, to get us sent home as well.)
So we denied it,
Especially since no-one did call her.
And Harvey believed us.

So then we talked to Rachelle's mom about getting sent home still.
If she did go home with Gloria and Dennis (Harvey's Hubby) did come,
The moms would have to pay for his trip there and back to Spain, like they should.
Rachelle's mom said fine, money's no problem.

But then after the whole telling on the girls thing,
Harvey says that Rachelle said that she and her mom could sue Dennis for rape if he went back with them.
(A 40yr old man with two 17yr olds, mind you.)
And that she would sure Harvey and the rest of the chaperones for not taking care of us.
Which all of this caused more drama.

But in the end of this meeting,
Harvey didn't punish us and decided that Rachelle was still going home, and that they'd get the money next day.
And guess who had to room with Rachelle the night of this meeting?
Me and Christine.
Funny, right?

Once again,
Next day comes,
They try Rachelle's card to get the money,
And it's declined.
(Conveniently right after we talked to her mother about all of this.)
Interesting, yes?
So yeah.

Anyway,
Rachelle and Gloria both ended up staying.
It just totally pissed all of the group off, you know?

And also,
Remember how I said people did actually go drinking first night?
Some people did get drunk.
And they had sex.
It just adds to more drama.

In a nutshell of some other things:

Airport:
-I almost got frisked.
-My olive oil got taken away.
-They thought my sand in a bottle was drugs and my retainers were torture devices.
-Baggage Claim took a year and a half.
-I fucking hate Customs.

Plane There:
-I had a Panic Attack.
-Couldn't sleep.
-Food was okay.
-Didn't really know the people I was sitting next to.

Spain:
-Made new friends.
-Got followed by annoying ladies who wanted money.
-Bed surfed.
-Got ignored.
-Took pictures.
-Walked a lot.
-Saw Cats dying.
-Got hit on.
-Got pissed off at people.
-Thought someone was cute.
-Had more panic attacks.
-Got jealous.
-Felt ugly and fat.
-Had fun.
-Etc.

Plane Home:
-Found out a lot.
-Sat next to Ashling and Elise.
-Slept a bit.
-Liked the food.
-Couldn't wait to get home.

More shit happened, blahh, this post would be a novel if I went on about Spain.

Other than all that shit,
I had an awesome time,
And I would love to go back.
I missed everyone,
Especially Sam, Jackie, and Lizzy<3.
Better jet now. Peace.