Still Not Good Enough.

She keeps talking about not speaking to me anymore.
Really, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to kill myself.
I told her that.
I keep telling her that.

"What would you do if one day I just stopped talking to you forever?"
"Kill myself."
"Haha, let's not get pissed at each-other then."

You don't understand that I wouldn't be able to live without you.
You just.
You're everything to me.
I wish I could just tell you all of this.
How I feel about you and about our relationship.
My friends don't understand that I don't want to have sex with you,
That I don't want to just non-stop make-out with you and kiss you,
All I want is to spend the rest of my life with you.
Next to you.
And your beautiful smile,
Your intoxicating humour and sarcasm,
Your adorable baby voice,
Your warm hugs,
Your constant teasing,
And everything else about you that makes you, you.

I would never do anything to hurt you.
Not intentionally, that is.
I would never skip out on your Sweet Sixteen Party.
I would never miss your Graduation Party.
I would never miss your Wedding.
I would never not come to your Wake.

I love you too much.
Way, way, too much, darling.
More than you could ever know.
I'd give you my kidney,
I'd give you my liver,
I'd give you my pancreas,
Part of my brain,
My heart.
Anything and everything.
You can have it and you can keep it forever without giving me anything in return for as long as we live.
I just want you to be happy and healthy, that is all.
To know that I will always be here for you,
Forever and ever.

I didn't talk to you when we hung out yesterday,
About how I was feeling,
Feeling like you hate me.
I just.
I can't seem to get the words out without bursting to sobs.
Even thinking them--typing this right now is making tears well up in my eyes.
I don't want you to ever say that you hate me,
Or that you never want to speak to me again,
I can just picture you throwing everything I ever gave you at my feet,
Screaming your lungs out for me to just leave you the fuck alone,
Me sobbing and just falling to my knees,
Begging for it to be a dream,
Praying for it to not be real,
And all I would say would be two words over and over:
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
But somehow,
I feel like you're going to say these things really soon if I don't talk to you.

We're not hanging out tomorrow.
I'm still going to talk to you about it though.
No matter what.
I want to know everything,
Just so I can fix it all for you,
So I can do everything,
Make every little problem go away.
Anything for you.
Anything...