Existentialism On Prom Night.

♪Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...♪


Evening, darlings.
It's been a while, huh?

A lot of stuff has happened in the last week or so,
But most of it's calmed down now.
I almost lost her.
And trust me when I say, it was just hell.
But we're still friends,
And I love her with all of my heart, forever and ever.


Getting onto other stuff,
Tomorrow will be two weeks until my departure.
And I'm actually really excited now.
I can't wait to see what it's like outside of the great ol' USA. (Lol, joke bnr<3.)

And also speaking of tomorrow,
I'm going to get my eyes checked out for my new glasses. x]
They're gonna be blue and gorgeous.
Lizzy and Glen helped me pick them out.<3.
I love those two.♥

I'm also bidding on a camera on eBay.
A vintage Minolta xG7 35mm. :]
It's quite pretty,
And I hope I win since I need a nice film camera for Spain, and the rest of my photoing. =]

Wow short post,
But I gots to jet quickly.
Love you guys<3.
Peace.

Anxiety, and Her.

I feel like I'm being pushed away.
By her, mostly.
Okay, all of by her.

She's dating this guy now.
Let's call him, him. (He gets an ugly color. >[ )

Him and her used to like each-other a lot.
It started last year, ninth grade, I believe?
Some stuff happened, she stopped liking him.
And last I checked, she still didn't like him.

Guess I was wrong.

Anyway,
Sometimes he can be a real fucking asshole,
Who hurts her, (A lot in the past.)

Anyone who hurts her is a fucking enemy to me.
I'm a very jealous person, that admitted.
And yeah, I like her, if you couldn't tell already.
I just.
I don't want her to get hurt, at all.
I can't deal with her in pain, (If you didn't see my last big post with her in it, you should look.)

So seriously, if he hurts her,
I'll kill him.
Seriously, I will have no hesitation to coming over there,
And beating his fucking ass out of his mouth with knife-fronted, steel-toed boots.

Anyway.
I might have an anxiety disorder.
Going to the doctor finally on Tuesday for my UTI meds,
And I'm gonna talk to her about these series of feelings with severely elevated heart-rate,
Dizziness, short of breath, shaking, etc.
I've had these things for years now, but I never knew what it was, and my mom just shrugged it off.
My Health Teacher told me what I was describing is a minor Panic Attack/Panic Attack.
(One happened a few days ago, and I told her about it.)
I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack,
It was horrible.
Mother just says I'm "nervous" but, I want to get a professional opinion.
And yeah, I understand that I'm a hormonal teenager,
But I'm smart enough to distinguish what a panic attack must feel like and what hormones raging feel like.
Nothing alike, I assure you.

If they have to put me on medication for the anxiety,
I can tell my mom's gonna say no.
She has anxiety too, but she doesn't do anything about it.
She has a problem with people 'getting dependent on pills'.
I do too, trust me.
(I have a problem with my dependence on Tylenol,
Since she won't let me get prescribed the actual migraine meds I need to get rid of the pain, and two Tylenol just don't help anymore.)
But if what I've been experiencing is really Panic Attacks,
Then the mental things I've been doing the past few years have not been working.
I really don't want to go on another medication,
But if I have to, to get better, then I guess I'll have to.

Ugh, so much to think about.
I guess I'm gonna lie down for a bit.
Peace.

Ashley, Me, The Family, and a Lot of a Bit Of Kevin.

From now on,
Kevin's going to be living with us for a while.
Something happened with his family,

I'm not supposed to know,
But whatever,
I'm a teenager and I eavesdrop.

Apparently something happened with his dad and his mom, ( I think they're divorced already, but idk)
Anyway, I heard Ashley say that his dad's been taking money from him for the past four months,
For his Grandpa.
And then something about financial problems.
I think someone lost their house in the midst, but then again, I could be wrong.
I don't know why, she didn't go into detail.
But somehow this ended up where Kevin has no place to stay.
So he's staying here for a while.

How long?
I really don't know.
Not that I mind.
I told you,
I like Kevin.
He's a nice boy.
With a hard life.
I feel bad for him mostly,
Having to deal with Ashley's shit most of the time, (She loves him, yeah, but still.)
Along with this family stuff,
And college next year.

Speaking of college for this boy,
I heard something about Stony Brook?
And that he can't go to the college of his choice because of all this family stuff.

My dad asked Ashley if this is going to affect her college for next year,
And she said that she didn't know, but I can tell.
She's not going anywhere without Kevin.

So now in this house,
We have me, Ashley, Allison,
My mom, My dad,
My Grandpa and Grandma,
And Kevin.
Eight people in a house that's supposed to be five.

I'm really not saying that I don't love my family and Kevin.
But I'm just really fucking tired of all of this crap.
I understand that, you know, my parents just love their own family and want to help them out.
My Grandma was kicked out of my Aunts' house, so Mom invited her here.
Grandpa's been living here since he got evicted from his house in Arizona,
And now Kevin.
Please don't interpret this wrong.
I seriously love my family a lot, (And Kevin too.)
No matter what I say.

But I'm tired of this house being overrun.
There's just not enough room.
Physically, of course there is.
But mentally, it's just way too much.
We can't financially afford all of this.
Not with Ashley's college(s) tuition/car insurance,
My Spain Trip,
My Class Ring that my mother insisted on.
And basic things like their bills and car payments and stuff.
Let alone put a smile on and try to feed eight mouths along with Jetta,
While my mom is losing hours in her job and is seriously not doing so well in her health.
She won't do a thing about it,
But I still feel bad for her.

I wish I could help, really.
But all I want to do is get rid of everyone.
It's just how I'm feeling right now.
I'm so tired of all the yelling and bickering,
The coughing and gagging,
The screeching and sobbing,
All of it.
It's just overwhelming me right now.

I don't know.
I just had to get this all out.
I need to sleep.
Peace.

Fuck UTI's and more shit.

Hey loves.
Guess what.
Remember how I said I had a UTI?
Well, after the first week, it went away,
So I was like "YAY!"
But then over the past two weeks it's been coming back,
So I told my mom and she said if it happens again she'll bring me to the doctor to get some antibiotics.
I really hope I don't go overboard with them.

I just finished this new book though.
Lizzy let me borrow it. :]
It's called: "But Inside I'm Screaming"
Overall, it was a pretty good book.
Had a lot of intense things in it.
Got me thinking a lot.

Tomorrow it'll be a month until Spain.
Everyone keeps coming to me about it saying how they'd love to go.
I, honestly, just can't wait to come back.
I'm saying that now, yeah.
I might think differently when I'm on my way and stuff,
But right now, I just think I'll want to come home.

It's a Snow!Day today, though. :D
And my Biffle's Two Month with her Stevie-Bear.<3
Congrats, love, really.♥

This school year's going way too fast.
Last time I checked,
It was October and I was picking out a costume last minute.
But now it's March and almost my friend's birthday.
Next it'll be Spain,
Then it'll be Jackie's Birthday and Sweet Sixteen,
And soon it'll be summer,
And then Junior Year.

Too fast for me, I think.
But oh well,
I'm not Father Time, now, am I?

I don't feel much like CSI right now,
So I'm probably just gonna nap.

Bye for now, loves.
Peace.