"I Know Your Face."

This one will be quick, I promise.

I just had a mental breakdown in front of Gramma, Ashley, Allison, and Mommy.
I sobbed my heart out,
Telling them I was overwhelmed,
That I didn't understand anything anymore.
That I was done.
Done with everything, and that I needed to get out, now.

They hadn't believed something was actually wrong with me before.
They just thought I was sad at the time,
And that I'd get over it soon enough.
But they were wrong.

It didn't go away.
It's still here, eating at me,
Gnawing at my heart, my soul, my brain.
The very core that makes me, me.

I haven't told them about the voice, though.
I don't think I will either.
The one that tells me to stop eating, to just stop living.
The one that despises my entire existence,
And doesn't fail to tell me each and everyday to just end it all,
That everyone hates me, and is just pitying me.

"They don't care about you, Danielle.
No one does.
It's so obvious, too.
Can't you see it?
They're all laughing on the inside at you,
Calling you out for what you really are.
A liar, a cheat, a horrible person.
But I guess you can't see anything anymore.
You'll always just be this, then.
You'll always be alone."

It gets so hard to ignore it sometimes, you know?
And when you do,
It just adds to the curdling feeling of your essence being eaten right inside of you.

It doesn't go away, either.
You try to make it leave,
And it doesn't.

I guess it just built up over a while,
And decided to all come out tonight.
I'm partly glad it did, too.

It made them open their eyes,
See that there's something actually wrong.
And now we're doing something about it.

My mom said that the moment she walked in the door,
After I just belted out to Gramma, Allison and Ashley about everything,
She just knew something was wrong.
When she tried to talk to me about it,
I just started to cry again.
I didn't want her to see me like that.
I ran outside and sat in the rain for a half hour.
Just crying.
She called me in,
So I went in, still crying.
She asked me again what was wrong,
I said: "Nothing, nothing. Just leave me alone." Like I always do.
And she usually just leaves me alone.
But not this time.

I asked her how she knows something was wrong.
And she just said back to me:
"Like Theoden said to Eowyn: 'I know your face.'
I know you, Danielle, I know when something's wrong with my children."
And we hugged each-other after that,
For a long time.
Me just crying in her arms,
Her actually caring and telling me that it's going to be okay.
It made me so happy, to actually feel loved by her.

Mommy's looking for therapists' tomorrow.
Someone to help me talk everything out so this doesn't happen again,
So that maybe I can control my panic attacks,
My feelings,
The voice.

I just needed to get this all down.
I have school tomorrow,
So I guess I'm gonna jet.
Peace.<3